Overcoming Loneliness

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DADT Repealed

Finally after 17 years of an unnecessary, homophobic policy and after much childish excuse making Don't Ask Don't Tell has finally been repealed. While this is a step in the right direction for this nation in terms of human rights we still have to play catch up with more progressive countries.

More from Reuters News

Evolution of Sexuality

Is sexuality evolving or is the GLBT community gaining more acceptance?

It's actually a little of both.

Most notably acceptance is quickly being gained by younger generations, specifically gen x and gen y. The number of high school students identifying as gay or bisexual is increasing and has been increasing over the years. There has been a complete paradigm shift in attitudes with this age group and it doesn't have to do with rebellion or trying not to be their parents. It has to do with the fact that many know it's natural and can see right though homophobia.

In addition it's not "cool" to be homophobic because it's signals closed minded and uneducated it and announces your insecurity of differences.

During the late 1990's 9% of high school students identify as "gay, lesbian, bisexual or questioning according to one study. Source

Last month a study came out revealing nearly 10% of New York City high school students have had a partner of the same sex. That's hundreds of thousand of people. The percentages are also similar for college students and might even be a little higher than that. These numbers reported people who filled out the survey and admitted it openly (out of the closet). If the percentage of closeted gay and bi teens had been factored it would be higher.

Across  pond these figures are higher. In Europe homophobia still exists but in small doses these days and sexuality- gay, bi or straight- is regarded as normal. One study last month studied sexuality with British high school students and the results surprised me a bit: same sex kissing is common with teen and college males. From the study:


"Based on in-depth interviews of 145 British university and high-school students, Anderson and his colleagues discovered that 89 percent had kissed a male heterosexual friend on the lips at some point. A total of 37 percent had engaged in "sustained" kissing with another man, Anderson said."

Maybe it's experimenting or maybe it's just a fun game of "gay chicken"...?

Or maybe it's something else.

One thing about European youth and other nations is they don't like labels defining their sexuality, they understand humans are sexual beings. America is slowly catching onto this fact with more and more people coming out as gay or bi at younger ages. Most people know that sexuality isn't black or white but a lot of them don't talk about it- until now.

Is sexuality evolving? Is it becoming more accepted?

It's a bit of both. And it will continue to evolve.

One of the Best It Gets Better Videos

This is one of the best "It Get's Better" Videos I have seen so far. Councilman Joel Burns comes out during a city council meeting in Texas joining the ranks of people spreading the positive message to GLBT teenagers.





I have been touched by many of the It Get's Better videos but this one touched me and gives me hope about social justice for the GLBT community.

Coming Out- One Year Later

I came across a great post on a popular forum for gay and bi guys and thought I share it with my readers who are thinking of coming out or have recently come out themselves:

This time last year was the time of the biggest upheaval I have had in my life. It dawned on me I have just had my 1 year anniversary so I thought I would post as a follow up to my thread from this time last year. (see this link coming out thread)

13 months ago I was a bored, lonely guy who genuinely believed would be alone for the rest of my life and never know what it would be like to have a special someone to love be loved.

13 months later how things have changed.

It all changed because I finally accepted that I deserved more than the lonely closeted existence I had created for my self. I finally decided to do something about things that were holding me back in life and preventing me from being happy.

The first thing was obvious ....... come out.

I had blogged on here my story and I received a lot of support during that time. I have removed the blogs now but my thanks remain for all the guys here who supported me at a time when I needed it most.

I will sum up and say that 13 months on, I now enjoy a relationship with a very beautiful man who means the world to me. We have been together for almost 6months and I have never been happier. I did have to kiss a few frogs to find my prince, but it is all part of the process that led me to him and I am thankful for that.

Just over 12 months ago I came out to my family and then over the next few months my friends and coworkers. Now I am a proud out gay man. My parents did not disown me, my friends did not disown me when I told them. Everyone has accepted me for who I am, and frankly my sexuality means little to them. It was I who had issues relating to my sexuality not them. But once I accepted that and finally did something about it, things changed for the better.

Soon I will introduce my partner to my family for the first time and that is something I am nervous about, but also excited. I previously could only ever dream I would introduce my "boyfriend" to my family, now it is a reality about to happen.

I guess the point to all this is, if you believe you do not deserve to be happy, YOU ARE WRONG. Everyone deserves to be happy. DO NOT prevent yourself from being who you are by worrying about what others may think. YOU matter. YOU are important. YOUR happiness is important.

Be YOU.

Be HAPPY.

Be FREE.

More next time.

Celebrities Address Gay Suicide Epidemic

There have been 10 gay suicides last month and celebrities are doing their part to reduce future numbers. Ellen has produce an independent video making an  emotional plea for gay teens contemplating suicide to seek help.



The It Gets Better Project has been launched which shows the GLBT community can lead rewarding, happy lives and gives hope to young gay individuals.



Stand up to homophobia, gay bullying is a hate crime and a national tragedy. More next time.

Tipping Point for Gay Marriage

A story today from Yahoo News about a national poll shows 50% of the country is now in support of gay marriage. The poll Yahoo has conducted of their own users show a bit higher results of 62% currently in favor of it. Are we at tipping point in America in terms of support for gay marriage and attitudes about the GLBT community? 


In terms of support from the general public I think yes. As the younger generations have influenced social and political change and are voicing their opinions about the right to marry. It's a well known fact that if you're not not somewhat open minded about these things and you're in high school or especially college you not going to make friends easily.


It also isn't with younger teenagers and college students but also older generations who may wonder if their kids are bisexual or gay. Would they take rights away from their own children or deny them the right to get married? Probably not and living with the cognitive dissonance of denying basic rights for your children yet wanting them to live a happy meaningful life lead to acceptance eventually


Slowly but surely. More next time.

Body Language 101: Part One

Body language is a key skill to learn, especially when it comes to gay dating. Most of human communication is done through body language. So it's good to know what to look for and when to look for it so you can gauge a guy you're attracted to easier and even get a little insight into what he's thinking of you. Here's the psychology behind body language that will give you the edge when it comes to the dating scene and flirting.

1. Eye Flirting

This is a big body language secret. There are several eye flirting methods. It's all (or mostly) in the eyes. Direct eye contact during a conversation is a good flirting sign as it means the person is paying attention to you, their thoughts and focus are on you and what you're saying.

The other method is one I like to call "eye tag". This usually happens at a distance with shy guys. The other guy will give you a couple of quick looks when (he thinks) you're not looking. When you sense him looking and you look his way his eyes will quickly dart away. Though, this game of eye tag should get longer looks when you figure out you're interested in each other. Be careful though, after a while of this one of you need to approach each other and get to know each other.

The third method is the eyebrow flash. This is a micro expression that you've probably seen many times before. The "flash" is a quick eyebrow raise from a distance to get your attention or initiate conversation. It's also used as a greeting, a non verbal "hi", or to confirm to you he's really looking at you.

Then there's smiling and looking down after a bit of eye flirting. This is a universal sign of attraction.

Finally there's "the look." This is different from any other look any guy will give you. You'll know it when you see it.


2. Mirroring Body Language 

When somebody likes you- and you like them- they are going to mirror your body language subconsciously. What happens in mirroring is the other person will mimic or copy your body language and movements.

After a while if your lean forward during a conversation they will to. If you touch your face they will also. This mirroring is a subconscious way of establishing a bond between you and the other person your with. BBC's The Human Mind has a great segment on mirroring below:




3. Preening

When someone likes you they will usually preen themselves when you look their way, (brush their hair with their hands, adjust their clothes, touch their face, etc) in order to make themselves look better for you. This is done subconsciously and consciously as they want to appear more attractive to you. Classic mate attraction body language and a giveaway if you're looking for it.

All of these body language signals are used in conjunction with each other when you're talking with a guy who is really interested in you. If he doesn't display these signals together he may be nervous and you need to pay attention to what he's saying to you.

Our subconscious has a way of letting others know we like them and are attracted to them- verbally and non-verbally. It's our basic instincts after all, so listen to his wording and keep your ears open for any Freudian Slips.

Federal Judge Rules DADT Unconstitutional

From the LA Times,

"A federal judge in Riverside [California] declared the U.S. military’s ban on openly gay service members unconstitutional Thursday, saying the “don't ask, don't tell” policy violates the 1st Amendment rights of lesbians and gay men.

U.S. District Court Judge Virginia A. Phillips said the policy banning gays did not preserve military readiness, contrary to what many supporters have argued, saying evidence shows that the policy in fact had a “direct and deleterious effect’’ on the military.

Phillips said she would issue an injunction barring the government from enforcing the policy." 

One more step toward equality.

Approaching Guys and Starting Conversation

This is something a lot of guys are working or need to work on whether or not they consider themselves shy. It can be sometimes hard to approach a guy you're interested in as the fear of rejection almost seems to override any possibility of a positive outcome.

But when you think about it rationality, instead coming from a fear based mindset, you realize four possible outcomes can happen when you approach him. All of them have positive outcomes in their own ways:

1. He's a nice person and you get to chatting up with him and he's friendly and receptive of you. This eventually leads up to the first date

2. You approach him and while he seems like a nice guy he's not a good fit for you. You walk away from the experience with a smile because you know you over came/ are over coming your fear of rejection. It only gets easier from here.

3. You chat and hang out. Before you know it you have a new friend! Maybe not a boyfriend but at least a new friend. If you think you have poor social skills you can practice them with him.

4. He ignores you or blows you off for whatever reason. While that was bad and a blow to your self confidence you can now sleep well knowing ahead of time that he's a jerk. You've dodged a bullet of developing a toxic relationship with this person.

The above outcomes would happen in places which I like to call "social spaces" (bars, clubs, basically, cafes, small classes, organizations. Basically anywhere that fosters socializing and meeting people) That's not to say that you can't meet people while doing errands or going about your daily activities- you can but the chances are slim.

Don't try to play aloof and cool, this is not only a turnoff but it can make the other guy think you're not interested. Instead be freindly and open, drop a few compliments.

Everyone likes a compliment and a smile anywhere they are. You can compliment someone on their speech, on their posture (this has happened to me numerous times), something you overheard, an item of clothing, a drink, a dish, or a book they're reading (see this all the time on public transportation).

Context of course matters about how you approach guys.

For example if you're on an architecture tour make a comment about the architecture of buildings, the event, the people, the tour guide, or the scenery. It gives the person a reason to agree, to joke, or make a sarcastic remark. Something to engage eachother and open the doors to a conversation. If they like you toss a flirtatious response their way. They'll most likely toss one back.

If you're at the supermarket ask about a new brand, ask if they can reach an item for you, ask which isle they found an item in their shopping cart from, ask about a vegetable you're not familiar with, etc.. This is a good way to not only approach someone but it teaches you a conversation starter can be as simple as almost any object.

What about if you're out at a bar? Alone? Well, ask someone what they're drinking and order it, compliment their phone (in this tech era everyone has their cellphone beside them at the ready to make or take a call), talk about the game on TV (if you're at a sportsbar), ask them if they went to your high school and tell them they remind you of someone from back then, etc...  Have follow up comments ready to go if they are receptive of you. If they aren't interested be respectful and move on. Don't force anything.

[Sidenote: if you're looking for a long term relationship or want to date someone bars and clubs might not be the best locations to seek these kind of people out]

New in town? Ask for suggestions on finding a good dry cleaner, a bookstore, or a good contractor, a good restaurant. Tell them you've recently moved here and they might be more receptive to you since everyone knows how it feels to be new anywhere.

What about in a new class at school or college? While it's sometimes daunting to approach someone in a big lecture openers work in just about every class size.

Ask someone you're interested in if there was any homework last night, if you want to study together for the exam, what they think of the professor, just get the other person talking to you if you're shy by asking questions, getting their opinion about something or giving them a compliment. Remember compliments, opinions, and questions usually can draw people into conversation and engage them as long as they are done in a friendly, and respectful manner.

If someone is mutually attracted and interested in you it doesn't really matter what you say unless it's very offensive, rude or ridiculous. In fact, an introverted shy guy making the effort is considered cute by some of guys. Keep in mind everyone's shy to varying degrees when they approach someone they're interested in; even extroverts. ;)

Nonetheless, go a bit out of your comfort zone and approach a guy who's eye flirting with you because you might be glad you did. You'll be able to gauge them by not only what they say to your openers but how they respond and especially from their body language.


BTW, speaking of eye flirting I'll have a post on body language next time.

Coming out to Freinds

Coming out to is a personal choice but sometimes you have to consider, in reality, whether people really care about your sexuality as much as you think they do. With all the people in the world (6.6 billion) sometimes gay men over estimate how much people will react or worse come up with worst case scenarios. To be honest those close to you already know your sexuality People can be very perceptive.

Once your become more honest with yourself and become more comfortable with yourself, you'll find everything else seems to fall into line. Delaying coming out can actually lead to a maladjusted lifestyle. A life of integrity and be true to yourself  is better than one of deceit and hiding aspects of your life; aspects which almost everyone else publicly shares.

Finally, if someone doesn't like you because of your sexuality, it may be wise to get them out of your life or minimize contact with them. This doesn't mean disown your immediate family if they don't accept your sexuality but with 6.6 billion people on this planet, it's not healthy to keep toxic people in your life.

And for all the bi guys- come out to your friends. It's been considered cool and appealing ever since the early 90's.Come out when you're ready but the sooner the better.

Dan Savage: The Price of Admission

Gay Marriage Legalized in Mexico

 Another nation to ad to the progressive list- Mexico. From seattlepi.com:

"MEXICO CITY -- Mexico's Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that all 31 states must recognize same-sex marriages performed in the capital, though its decision does not force those states to begin marrying gay couples in their territory.

In a 9-2 decision, the tribunal cited an article of the constitution requiring states to recognize legal contracts drawn up elsewhere.

It did not specify what degree of recognition must be granted to same-sex couples.
Mexico City's same-sex marriage law, enacted in March, extends to wedded gay couples the right to adopt children, to jointly apply for bank loans, to inherit wealth and to be covered by their spouses' insurance policies. Some of those may end up applying only in the capital.

The Supreme Court ruled last week that same-sex weddings are constitutional - though it is holding separate discussions this week on the adoption clause.

One of the justices, Sergio Aguirre, argued against adoptions by same-sex couples Tuesday, saying children might suffer discrimination as a result."

Meanwhile the GLBT community still waits in America for their rights...

Levi's Guy Swings Both Ways

Just saw another gay ad on TV (in America? Yes, and on NBC too). It's the old Levi's ad that has apparently been airing for a couple of years now. The original version had a girl in it but this version targets GLBT community:



It's always good to see an increase in gay advertising on the major networks.

A Victory for GLBT Rights- Marriage Equality in California

A major step for the gay rights movement in the US as the unconstitutional ban imposed by Prop 8 on gay marriage has been overturned. Gay marriage is allowed in California again. A major step (and delayed) step in the right direction for the nation.

100+ Years of Gay Couples: Part Two 1955-Present Day

 Here's part two celebrating 100 years of gay couples.

 Unknown, 1956

San Fransisco, CA 1965

 Chicago, IL 1968

Washington DC, Early 1970's

San Francisco CA, 1975


New York, NY 1977

New York, NY 1977

Philidelphia PA, 1978

New York, NY 1984

New Dehli India, 1986

Washington D.C. 1992


Berlin Germany, 1993

Buenos Aires, Argentina 1997

 New York NY, 1998


Paris, France 2002

Toronto Canada, 2003

Boston, MA 2003

San Francisco CA 2004

New York NY, 2004

Paris, France 2005

Cape Cod MA, 2005

Dublin Ireland, 2005


London England, 2005

London England, 2005


 China, 2006  (Rare set of a couple serving in the Chinese army)

Cologne Germany, 2006

Madison WI, 2006


Paris France, 2006


Tokyo Japan, 2007

Monterey CA, 2007

Berlin Germany, 2007

Rome Italy, 2007

Los Angeles CA 2007

London England, 2007


New York NY, 2008

San Francisco CA, 2008

(First lesbian couple to be married in California. Read the story at Towerload)

Venice, Italy, 2008

Los Angeles CA, 2008

(One of Hollywood's most beautiful couples, Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi)

New York NY, 2008


Milan Italy, 2008 (The 2000's is also the decade which saw acceptance of gay pro sports players)

Long Beach CA, 2008

Storbist Lithuania, 2009


Silver Lake CA, 2009

Mumbai India, 2009

Amsterdam The Netherlands, 2009


Salt Lake City, UT, 2009

Mexico City, Mexico, 2009

Lyon France, 2009

Rome Italy, 2009

 London England, 2010


Manchester England, 2010 (the controversial photo of Gary Neville and Paul Scholes of Manchester United, still a great display of affection for pro sports figures)

San Diego, CA 2010


New York NY, 2010

Tarifa Spain, 2010